Monday, October 17, 2005

pipe dreams in the rain

I have read so much of late, I fear if I blink, blood would flow from my eyes. My essay was due last weekend and I haven’t covered a quarter of the minimal required material. Only four classes and I am ploughed. Today I plan to audit one of my classes. I have to talk with the instructor first (if he makes it to class given the illegal general strike in this city) before I officially remove myself from the class. I feel so lost today, I feel inadequate. It is for my own defect that I cannot keep up, but I do not know how I can fix this. I am floating.

More and more of late I want to give up the academic track. I know that I love this more than anything else I have ever done, but a great deal of academia is manufactured stress. The competition (not just for grades) manufactured between people is the most important thing in their lives. But I don’t find it important and I grow tired of pretending that it is. What is important to me in regards to academia then? Doing my best and discovering what my personal limits are then trying to surpass them is important to me. The opportunity to spend my life in an environment that encourages learning and provides me with the opportunity to teach others is important to me. Is that enough? Is it worth the stress my perfectionist self imposes on my defective aspects? I am so driven that my health suffers.



I consider farm life; about 20 archers somewhere, perhaps in Europe. A few animals including goats, geese, sheep (and perhaps sheepdog), chickens and perhaps alpacas would make me happy and keep me busy. A kitchen garden and small fields with larger crops like potatoes and squash then one or two main crops on the property. I would be almost entirely self sufficient with only a few hours work in the morning, a few hours come evening and the rest of the day to potter about the farm or read/write philosophy while I sip wine I made from my vineyard. In the evening I would knit or spin yarn from my creatures. But that hermit life is a pipe dream.

The picture today is a painting of perfection, a place I want to live so much that my recollection of it surpasses any perfection the location can actually possess.

2 comments:

EmmA...er...Pamela said...

hey just buy a plot of land in some remote area in a third world country... you'll be set 4 life.

Mothlady said...

Your dream of a farm life is similar to mine. I feel like I'm at a crossroads in my life: in a year or two we will buy a flat or a house in the city. Or we could move to the countryside. I could do my translation work there, so it's possible. But it would be a big change and I'm not sure if we would be up to that. Decisions, decisions...