Thursday, February 02, 2006

I know she is ready for it, but I sure hope that Scotland is ready for her.

I miss everyone so much. In the last six months so many people have left and so many things have ended. It feels that all that is close to me is falling apart. At times, it is all I can do not to fall apart as well.

Sometimes I feel very empowered; when I was a child I was always told that I can do anything I put my mind to. It has proven to be true, after a fashion. I know I am very intelligent and that I can (and on occasion have) do any career I wish and excel at it. That sounds arrogant, I know. The thing is - I thirst for knowledge. I am always in competition with myself. If I succeed it is expected – yet, if I fail, I am miserable.

Due to a defect in myself, there are many things I cannot do that others take for granted every day. Unfortunately for me, what I love to do requires that I struggle with my defect. Every aspect of what I love requires the greatest effort as I fight against my nature. Doing what I love most makes me miserable. It also makes me happy, because in some ways, my defect makes it easier to understand the concepts that others simply cannot grasp. My conceptual framework is as fluid as it needs to be. And still – being more successful than others, being more intelligent than others (in some ways) – this also makes me miserable.

I hope that Jenshine has fun. Moving to a new place is always difficult, but I think she will do fine. She is one of the smartest, friendliest people I know. She also has a fantastic choice of music. Two years is such a long time, I take comfort in knowing that we will see each other again.

You guessed it, today's pictures of from my trip to Scotland. I can't wait to see yours.


JustApril said...

That's interesting, I've been trying to go to Scotland for over a year. Maybe someday.

Sometimes it's the smart ones that end up more stressed out, b/c you end up thinking about too much and worrying too much about things you have no control over. Balance is hard, but vital. said...

yay. i love scotland. thanks for reminding me of that.
i also love your reflections. thanks for that as well.

Jenshine! said...

Of course we'll see each other again...many, many times after I get back! I can't wait to see you when I get back.

Thank you for having confidence in me. I love you for it! You're an amazing person and I miss you everyday!