Tuesday, March 28, 2006

What ever is to become of me?

So, I have completely lost all interest in my course work. I think I will blame it on the proff who called my work a joke and couldn't believe that my hard work was serious. But really, the problem is with me. I have been quite upset the last few months/year and my heart just hasn't been in it. I do love some aspects of my education, but there is a great deal that I wish I didn't have to deal with.

More specifically, I don't want to deal with people. I don't like myself around most people, and I like the people at the university even less. I suppose that it is funny to hear this coming from a self proclaimed academic. But, it is true. I am NOT A PEOPLE PERSON! These people are self contradictory, inconsistent, unpredictable, and I feel that I have to spell everything I say out for them because we are never coming from the same starting point. I am just so tired of dealing with them in this way. The people at work are not this bad, but perhaps I don't expect as much from them. This is a major problem with me, I am not satisfied with a diploma or a PhD; if you want me to take you seriously, you actually have to act smart (or at the very least, not stupid). less than 10% of the people I know qualify, and only about 2% of the PhD's. This, I have been told, makes me a terrible person. Perhaps she is right. It certainly does not make me feel any better about myself, in fact, I am miserable for being constantly disappointed by people who are in charge of my education.

I love learning new concepts and I enjoy researching. I also enjoy writing, but on my own terms. Word limits of less than three thousand words are too few for me. I have so much to say, and when I don't deal with ontology (even in Anthropology essays - who would have thought I need to spell out 200+ year old theories of reality and the correct definite of 'reification' when the proff explained it in class and I was already over my word count?) my work is misinterpreted. Also, what I want to research and what the proff is interested in seldom jive. I am restricted in my research by the proff's background. Yes, I can research on my own time, and quite often do, yet during the school term I spend on average 65 hours a week on class work. I am too exhausted after that to research what I am interested in.

I need some of the theoretical background the school provides, but much of what they teach is not directly relevant to my future research, and what is directly relevant is not taught at my university.

With all this and all my other personal and family issues going on the last 9-12 months, how can I be happy with school. It isn't getting me what I want fast enough. I find out now that I have two more years of this university before I can apply for graduate school. Then it is another year of instruction (at least) in a topic relevant to my research. and then, only then, and only if I am good enough, then do I get to research what I want. That is three more years of background education. It would be far more efficient if I was given the freedom to choose my path instead of jumping through hoops.

These hoops are designed to assist the average student so much that they end up not helping anyone.

Now that I have that out of my system (for the time being) I am going to go sit and knit (or sit and fret about German). I will hand in my incomplete German assignment tomorrow and fail my quiz as usual (where have my A+'s gone this year? I miss you so much!). I simply do not understand how the verbs are working. I do have one gilmer of hope on the horizon, but it is far off and I will have to wait and see how things turn out.


lucy said...

Well, i must say that anyone who says you are a terrible person based on any portion of your personality is not to be trusted.The worst thing that you could take seriously from anyone is that you are flawed in your way of judging people, but to be called a terrible person has no basis for reason. You are truly a unique spirit and i think many people are not openminded enough to try to see things from your perspective. Academia and life are full of people who are seriously lacking in intelligence, but most of the time, it is not their fault and they do not realize what assanine things come out of their mouths. our society doesn't always foster critical thinking paired with social responsibility. unfortunately i really don't have any advice to give. Hopefully my ramblings on the nature of people will help you see that they are not out to get you, they are simply so caught up in their own lives that they feel that anyone different is not worth the time to understand. I disagree. I think you a perfectly worth the time and i think that jenshine and many others would side with me.

Jenshine said...

Wow, well said.

unenlightened said...

Hey, relax! the academy is not the institution, buildings, heirarchy,letters after people's names; that's just careers and money. The academy is people learning and communicating together - you do that pretty well.
OK you need the bits of paper and grants, don't sweat, just give the proff what he wants, which is probably to have you repeat back to him exactly what he's said to you. Easy! Then you can get on with something more interesting...
The world is full of stupid people; you're intelligent, so deal with them, don't try to treat them as if they're intelligent then you won't be disappointed.
ps. like the sound of that party, can I come?

JustApril said...

I think it's ironic that so many teachers have NO people skills or tolerance for new ideas. Those who can't DO, teach - so if you can't DO it, how can you TEACH it?

Not all teachers are that way, but there seems to be an unbalanced proportion of people who can't live up to their own dreams then use teaching to FALL BACK on, that stinks, b/c if your heart isn't IN teaching it SHOWS.

Being human is all about being different from each other, not making clones of ourselves, that's ridiculous.