Friday, June 27, 2008

despair

Well, I did it. I turned down my dream job. The perfect job, at the perfect location, with the most perfect of people and I had to refuse. All this because of my health.

While spinning yesterday, I felt quite ill (which is a normal course of events these days) and had to go lie down for an hour. If I can't even spin for 3 hours without becoming exhausted, when spinning is a soothing, relaxing, physically easy task, then I cannot be relied upon to work a shift. My body has let me down once again.

I know, my blog is a place for cultivating positive thought, but I just can't manage it today. It's been almost a year since I first became ill. My health has made me almost a complete invalid and I feel in-valid. I cannot eat my favorite foods, I cannot do my favorite tasks. I cannot spend too much time with my friends (inside, outside is fine) because they use detergent on their clothes or shampoo in their hair, &c. I cannot read a book for more than five minutes at a time because of the ink, even outside. I can't even wash the dishes because of the smells from the food and the soap make me have to lie down. It's as if I cannot participate in the world around me. It's as if I'm trapped in my room trying to avoid all the substances that make me ill.

I'm so tired all the time. What's more, I'm tired of being tired. I hate that this illness has taken so much from me. And I despair that they will never find out what is wrong with me.



Don't worry, this will not become a common topic for my blog. Sometimes the frustration builds up and I just need to vent. I'll spend the weekend thinking up positive things to blog about and start next week with a more cheerful disposition.

5 comments:

Josiane said...

I'm so sorry to read that you had to turn down that job offer, and that you are feeling so bad, too. The fact that the job was perfect in all respects certainly made it much more difficult for you.
No need to apologise for not being cheerful. I, for one, appreciate knowing a little more about what you are going through. Also, I know very well how sometimes the circumstances make our situation so much harder to bear. If you need to vent, go ahead, do it, and if you don't want to do it here, feel free to write to me. I'd be happy to lend an attentive and friendly ear, and to help in any way I can.

Beth said...

Here I sit, on the other side of town no doubt, thinking positive thoughts for you. I hope they figure out what's wrong as well. Chin up girl - I'm certain there's a silver lining to that cloud you're under right now. Thinking of you!

Julie R said...

Hi Raven,
We just met last weekend (Saturday at Sivia's talk) but I want you to know I appreciate your honesty - I'd far rather read that you're having a bad day than read a 'fake happy' post.
I'm so sorry that the job offer happened when it was not possible to go for it.
{{ehugs}} and sending positive energy your way.
jruss37 at shaw dot ca

Miss Scarlett said...

Raven! You are not in-valid! Far from it.
I hope you know that on your better days (and want you to know that on your bad days too).

I'm sorry you had to turn down your job offer. It sounds a shame. Please do not worry about blogging your reality - the support it can bring you is invaluable.

Sending you the biggest hug and well wishes.

I also want to say I think you are handling everything admirably - you are making the necessary changes to improve your health and your body will catch up. Try to think of the tired as your body healing - rest is essential for healing.

Hugs again.

Michelle

curlysalamander said...

You've been brave and positive and more upbeat than most people I know who are feeling fine. It's really horrible that you are going through this, and I also know that what you are developing inside yourself is a beautiful, important quality of being present with difficulty. My very best wishes that they soon get to the bottom of what's ailing you. You will be unstoppable and insurmountable! Big hug!