Friday, August 22, 2008


I feel completely overwhelmed with the world today. It's almost like panic only without any real cause. It's just the little things that are getting to me. Those, and the big things that are looming on the horizon.

I've been ill a year now. Not just the everyday aches and pains and weakness; really seriously ill, spend most of my time in bed, sick. It's been over a year where I've very rapidly lost the ability to do just about everything I enjoy. All that I hold close to my self, the actions that define me in this world, I've lost the ability to do them. And I don't know why. What's more, although socialized medicine pays for standard care - undiagnosed chronic illnesses do not really fall under that category. I've completely run through my savings and have enough for one more trip to the US to see this specialist. With any luck, my student loan won't be too far away and that will get me by another few months. I don't know what happens after that.

But you know, I've gotten use to all that, it bothers me, true, but it's not what's making me anxious today. It's much more the little things. I have so many appointments over the next few weeks and so many of them are double booked. I'm going to have to back out of some of them, mostly the fun things. That lets people down, people I respect and would like very much to think good things about me. And then there are the socks I haven't had the chance to knit for the sock exchanges. Not that it's done my wrist much good, it still hurts just as much as it did before. What do people do when they don't manage to knit socks for an exchange?

Such busy times, then right on their heals, university starts up again. Am I going to be able to manage this? How? I couldn't last year.

Maybe the little things are getting to me because of the big things. Maybe I'm worried that I spent all my money on my health and still have no definitive answer. I don't know anymore. All I know is that all of this makes me very, very tired.


Josiane said...

Don't worry about letting people down: they'll understand. Even if they don't know (or don't really get) what you are going through, they know that the need to be at two places at the same time inevitably arises at one point or another in one's life, and they know very well that they can't manage it either...
As for the sock exchange, can I be of any help? I'm not the fastest knitter out there, but if your pal doesn't mind getting her socks a little later than the other participants, I'd be happy to set aside my own projects and knit those socks as fast as I can.

curlysalamander said...

The hardest and most important thing you need to focus on is giving yourself complete and total unconditional love and acceptance. Everything else is trivial compared to this. Prayers and good wishes heading your way!